After spending time with Jeremy and some of his colleagues, I have learned the proper etiquette for taking an awkward and possibly misunderstood incident and affirming your honest heterosexual intentions. I never knew of an established method for this, even though it seems like a social more that should have been created by our distant ancestors and passed down through the generations. However, it seems that this much needed innovation has been born through the trials of friendship within a small group of male high school teachers. I'm sure it will prove to be indespensable to all of us, and to generations to come.
For instance, sharing a tub of popcorn with your buddy at the movies always holds the potential for one of those uneasy moments where you are both reaching for a handful at the same time, and you accidentally caress his hand with your buttery fingertips. Your instinctive reaction is to freeze, like a criminal caught in the act, and then try to take it back by snatching your hand away from his. Now you each have a hand poised near the popcorn tub, and you are trying to think of some way to offer assurance that this isn't some kind of latent homosexuality manifesting itself in the secretive darkness of the theater. It is your responsibility to handle this, because it's your greasy fingerprints streaked along the back of his hand. Maybe you glance over and say "oh, sorry dude." Or maybe you remain still, tense, and silent, feeling his wary eyes searching the shadowy contours of your face for signs of betrayal, waiting for him to decide whether or not he still trusts you as he thinks back over all the good times you've had together and reminds himself of how pathetically miserable you were when your last girlfriend walked out so you must not be gay, and finally shrugs it off and reaches for the popcorn again. No matter how you handled it you are probably mildly embarassed and careful to not be a repeat offender, keeping a vigil on the popcorn out of the corner of your eye and only reaching when you know you can get in and out without further contact.
So, here is the ingenius solution I have learned from Jeremy, et al. Such awkward situations are easily resolved by acknowledging the incident and declaring it's irrelevance to the integrity and nature of your friendship by saying "
no homo." This immediately assuages your friend's sudden doubts and violent impulses, and he lets you know that everything is cool by responding in kind with "
no homo taken."
Have you got your feet propped up on the ottoman and an arm slung along the back of the couch, watching the game, when your hand accidentally brushes the back of your friend's head?
(Glance over at friend)"No homo."(Dismissive nod from friend)"No homo taken."See? No uneasy silences or awkward apologies, no embarassment.
Or maybe you are working out at the gym with your buddy, and he is standing behind the bench to spot for you while you are doing incline dumbell presses. Suddenly you notice a gentle pressure on the back of your head, something that pushes your hair back against your scalp as your body compresses against the bench in the upstroke of each repetition, and you look into the floor-to-ceiling mirrors to see what that could possibly be. Horror and despair sink into your soul as you realize that your friend has mistakenly stepped too close to the bench, because he is watching the music video on the television mounted high on the wall. What you see in the mirror is yourself, prostrate on the bench with arms atremble beneath the weight of the dumbells, and behind you, your friend standing with hands on hips and head leaned back while his crotch nuzzles your crown. Naturally, you panic. You struggle to keep the dumbells from crashing down and ending your suddenly miserable existence as the strength saps from your arms, and the exertion to maintain control under such duress causes you to gasp or make a strangling noise. This noise briefly interrupts your friend's enjoyment of the music video and causes him to glance at you in the mirror. Perhaps he misinterprets what he hears and sees as a grunt of exhertion while enjoying a good workout because he only spares you the briefest consideration before returning his attention to the video, while his crotch nuzzles on.
This is most unfortunate, because this is the precise time in which he should take a step back and say
"oops, sorry man. no homo." Fortunately for Jeremy, I am a sensible and forgiving person. So let it be known,
"no homo taken."So, now you also have the correct etiquette for dealing with uncomfortable situations such as these, and can apply that knowledge to the lives of yourself and all of your family and friends! I think we all owe Jeremy and his colleagues a great debt of gratitude.